Christian Left supports Exploitationist Policy

Seeing the shocking decline of the Christian religion in America today, many groups in the Christian Left are advocating a return to government oppression.

"When you went back to the good ole days of the early Christian Church, when witnesses were fed to lions and crucified upside down, why the Church was abuzz with activity! We were winning new converts, sharing possessions, expanding across the globe, and gave birth to, like, dozens of incredible Christian thinkers! Plus it made for great entertainment." An unnamed representative of the Christian Left told us on Friday. He did not want his name given away lest he be known as a sadist.

"Look, we're supposed to help the poor! And for the past few decades, it has been customary to attack all sorts of people for committing sin, so since we've already engaged in violence against homosexuals, we should definitely sic the IRS on rich people who aren't giving enough to charity." We are grateful for the memory of this particular whistleblower, as he got struck by lightning on the very next street corner after speaking to us.

"We are told that all authority is appointed by God. Therefore, I am full heartedly in support of all of Obama's policy, right or wrong."

"But what about Jesus standing up to the Pharisees?" My friend is silent.

"See, all freedom is evil. And it's evil cause it makes us do evil things and be evil. See, without freedom there wouldn't be any evil people."

One of the chief arguments for the liberal approach to Christianity is once we conform to some centralized will, that will can in turn conform to God's Will, and then we can all conform to God's Will at once, and all inherit the kingdom of heaven together. No one gets left behind! And no one gets unfair treatment. Not one bit.

See, Jesus just couldn't find enough man in him to hold us all up by the shirt collar and say "WWWWASZZZZZZZZ DDDDAAAAA BIGGGGGG IDDDEEEEAAAAA???????" So he relies on government to do it for him. He just was too soft of a guy. He just wasn't strong enough. I don't know, somehow he just lost his heart after the Old Testament. After all, we all know that strong people would never let themselves possibly be taken advantage of. And that you should never tolerate any mistreatment or poverty, rrrriiiggghhhhttt? Unless of course it involves being fed to lions, which is entertaining. As it is written, "the busy bodies shall inherit the earth." (Epistle to the New Englanders, Chapter 6, verse 8)

And besides that, how can you possibly support voluntary charity and support individualism? I mean, the two things are like, totally against each other! I mean, for any individual to possibly even consider having a purpose to his life or any sense of honor is fundamentally appalling! How could you! And besides, didn't that Anianas guy get struck dead for, oh wait, no, he lied.

It is also written that: "In my father's house there is exactly one room. And if you don't fit in to it, by gully, you're goin' to hell! Squeal little piggy squeal! I'm gonna SMACK YA HARD BOY!" (Gospel of Stalin, Chapter 15, verse 3.141583)

And it is commanded: "When poor people are not given rich people's money, highly distasteful, expensive and offensive cupcake shops, specialty stores and lawn gnome producers are allowed to sprout on streetcorners, providing people with grotesque lawn decoration that is highly offensive and degrading to the neighborhood as a whole. It is our duty as good Christians to eliminate all lawn gnome producers and specialty stores for the sake of good taste. After all, 'love thy neighbor as thyself' and 'friends don't let friends own lawn gnomes.'" (Epistle to the New Englanders, Chapter 9, verse 72)

It is written also that: "When the widow goes to find work, she shall find none, due to our extremely high levels of taxations against business and absurd regulations, so that good government will have to give grace to her and my love for the poor be known while my IRON FIST against the wealthy, middle-class, anyone who wants a job, and well-to-do clamps down harder and harder and harder.... MUWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! You shall feel my wrath poor earthlings!" (Gospel of Stalin, Chapter 3*i + 4, verses 5*i + 3.141583*e^22)

And it is commandment: "Thou shalt support exploitive actions in every way, that you shall have more ways to help each other and thus love one another." (Screwteronomy, Chapter self, verses Can't, Not, and Won't.) It is also written: "Blessed are those who are completely worthless, for they shall never mind the growing interference of government." (Gospel of Stalin, Chapter 0, verses 0, paradigm lost)

It is suggested further that: "If you allow anyone to be free, accursed is you, for you have made any part of my creation meaningful and any part of my good sacrifice good, so that now, I can't give as much grace. Accursed is also you if you prevent anyone from sinning in any way other then sending them to jail, that in jail I may save them from a creepy guy named 'Speck' who is gazing at his victims private areas suspiciously." (Gospel of Stalin, Chapters 5 million, verses Avagadro's Number)

As it is written: "If we don't run our government and politics just the right way, then all the people who die in a given year will instantaneously be condemned to Hell while Christ sits at the judgement, going, "tsk tsk tsk, you poor sinners. To think I was going to forgive you all until you refused socialism. And now, I have to send you all to hell. I know, I know, all those boring chruch sermons, those days standing out on the street corner freezing asking for donations and looking 50 years old while people told you to 'go to Hell,' I know, it was for nothing. All those times when your wife cheated on you and you forgave her because she was one of my children, meaningless. I mean, you should've been like my friend Stalin here. I mean, sure, he was a mass-murderer, never turned the other cheek or followed any of my advice or loved me, and oppressed my church, but his politics were shinin' man!"" (Gospel of Stalin, Chapter [3, 1, 0], verse [1, 3, 5]*infinity - infinity + 1*(World Peace equation) + Avagadro's Number*pi*i)

But once government becomes truly oppressive, by gully, life will improve! It will be like heaven on earth! Oh how we shall love each other, or else...