Christian Left supports Exploitationist Policy

Seeing the shocking decline of the Christian religion in America today, many groups in the Christian Left are advocating a return to government oppression.

"When you went back to the good ole days of the early Christian Church, when witnesses were fed to lions and crucified upside down, why the Church was abuzz with activity! We were winning new converts, sharing possessions, expanding across the globe, and gave birth to, like, dozens of incredible Christian thinkers! Plus it made for great entertainment." An unnamed representative of the Christian Left told us on Friday. He did not want his name given away lest he be known as a sadist.

"Look, we're supposed to help the poor! And for the past few decades, it has been customary to attack all sorts of people for committing sin, so since we've already engaged in violence against homosexuals, we should definitely sic the IRS on rich people who aren't giving enough to charity." We are grateful for the memory of this particular whistleblower, as he got struck by lightning on the very next street corner after speaking to us.

"We are told that all authority is appointed by God. Therefore, I am full heartedly in support of all of Obama's policy, right or wrong."

"But what about Jesus standing up to the Pharisees?" My friend is silent.

"See, all freedom is evil. And it's evil cause it makes us do evil things and be evil. See, without freedom there wouldn't be any evil people."

One of the chief arguments for the liberal approach to Christianity is once we conform to some centralized will, that will can in turn conform to God's Will, and then we can all conform to God's Will at once, and all inherit the kingdom of heaven together. No one gets left behind! And no one gets unfair treatment. Not one bit.

See, Jesus just couldn't find enough man in him to hold us all up by the shirt collar and say "WWWWASZZZZZZZZ DDDDAAAAA BIGGGGGG IDDDEEEEAAAAA???????" So he relies on government to do it for him. He just was too soft of a guy. He just wasn't strong enough. I don't know, somehow he just lost his heart after the Old Testament. After all, we all know that strong people would never let themselves possibly be taken advantage of. And that you should never tolerate any mistreatment or poverty, rrrriiiggghhhhttt? Unless of course it involves being fed to lions, which is entertaining. As it is written, "the busy bodies shall inherit the earth." (Epistle to the New Englanders, Chapter 6, verse 8)

And besides that, how can you possibly support voluntary charity and support individualism? I mean, the two things are like, totally against each other! I mean, for any individual to possibly even consider having a purpose to his life or any sense of honor is fundamentally appalling! How could you! And besides, didn't that Anianas guy get struck dead for, oh wait, no, he lied.

It is also written that: "In my father's house there is exactly one room. And if you don't fit in to it, by gully, you're goin' to hell! Squeal little piggy squeal! I'm gonna SMACK YA HARD BOY!" (Gospel of Stalin, Chapter 15, verse 3.141583)

And it is commanded: "When poor people are not given rich people's money, highly distasteful, expensive and offensive cupcake shops, specialty stores and lawn gnome producers are allowed to sprout on streetcorners, providing people with grotesque lawn decoration that is highly offensive and degrading to the neighborhood as a whole. It is our duty as good Christians to eliminate all lawn gnome producers and specialty stores for the sake of good taste. After all, 'love thy neighbor as thyself' and 'friends don't let friends own lawn gnomes.'" (Epistle to the New Englanders, Chapter 9, verse 72)

It is written also that: "When the widow goes to find work, she shall find none, due to our extremely high levels of taxations against business and absurd regulations, so that good government will have to give grace to her and my love for the poor be known while my IRON FIST against the wealthy, middle-class, anyone who wants a job, and well-to-do clamps down harder and harder and harder.... MUWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! You shall feel my wrath poor earthlings!" (Gospel of Stalin, Chapter 3*i + 4, verses 5*i + 3.141583*e^22)

And it is commandment: "Thou shalt support exploitive actions in every way, that you shall have more ways to help each other and thus love one another." (Screwteronomy, Chapter self, verses Can't, Not, and Won't.) It is also written: "Blessed are those who are completely worthless, for they shall never mind the growing interference of government." (Gospel of Stalin, Chapter 0, verses 0, paradigm lost)

It is suggested further that: "If you allow anyone to be free, accursed is you, for you have made any part of my creation meaningful and any part of my good sacrifice good, so that now, I can't give as much grace. Accursed is also you if you prevent anyone from sinning in any way other then sending them to jail, that in jail I may save them from a creepy guy named 'Speck' who is gazing at his victims private areas suspiciously." (Gospel of Stalin, Chapters 5 million, verses Avagadro's Number)

As it is written: "If we don't run our government and politics just the right way, then all the people who die in a given year will instantaneously be condemned to Hell while Christ sits at the judgement, going, "tsk tsk tsk, you poor sinners. To think I was going to forgive you all until you refused socialism. And now, I have to send you all to hell. I know, I know, all those boring chruch sermons, those days standing out on the street corner freezing asking for donations and looking 50 years old while people told you to 'go to Hell,' I know, it was for nothing. All those times when your wife cheated on you and you forgave her because she was one of my children, meaningless. I mean, you should've been like my friend Stalin here. I mean, sure, he was a mass-murderer, never turned the other cheek or followed any of my advice or loved me, and oppressed my church, but his politics were shinin' man!"" (Gospel of Stalin, Chapter [3, 1, 0], verse [1, 3, 5]*infinity - infinity + 1*(World Peace equation) + Avagadro's Number*pi*i)

But once government becomes truly oppressive, by gully, life will improve! It will be like heaven on earth! Oh how we shall love each other, or else...

Ted Kennedy Announces Candidacy for President of Hell

With gracious thanks to BigFurHat over at iowntheworld.com for creating a fantastic image to go with this piece.

Hell, Circle 8.5 -- Just a week after his death, the greatest grafter of all time, former Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy, announced today that he was running for president of the netherworld.

“This place is a disgrace,” Kennedy said, while bathing in boiling resin and drinking a fifth of Bushmills and getting a massage from a demon named Lilith. “It looks like it’s been run by Republicans. The pagans and unbaptized babies are out of work. The lustful have lost their libido. The gluttons are starving. The hoarders are giving their possessions away. The wrathful can’t stop apologizing. The heretics have found religion. The violent have become docile. The pimps have stopped wearing fedoras and purple suits. The flatterers have gone silent. The simonists have stopped selling pardons. The soothsayers have stopped making fortune cookies. The politicians have started giving back people’s money. The hypocrites have stopped living lies. Thieves are stealing only from themselves. Deceivers are being honest. Sowers of discord have become pacifists. Falsifiers have discovered truth. And the treacherous have become huggable teddy bears.

“It’s like Martha’s Vineyard down here. It must stop, and stop now. It’s embarrassing. What would they think above ground if anyone found out?”

Kennedy said he promises a typical liberal reform platform: “We’ll restore the redistribution of wealth, spread misery equally among all classes, harvest the brains of anyone who's not yet a zombie, and curtail all freedoms and enjoyments. Why, you can’t come to hell for a suntan!”

His running mate will be Yuri Andropov, once the Soviet premier and Kennedy’s old pen pal.

The former U.S. Senator, most known for his rotund physique and vicious political attacks and inability to drive over water, said he’s just the man to come in and clean up a realm beset by years of increasingly lackluster observance of the rules of inflicting excruciating torture and eternal pain on Hell’s dwellers.

“This place has so much sloth and lascivious behavior and enjoyment going on, you'd think it was the U.S. Senate chambers at midnight during a vote on economic stimulus,” Kennedy said.

His first order of business, Kennedy added, would be organizing all demons, an often fractious group of heathens who would just as soon chew each other’s scales off as collaborate, into a well-oiled political machine that can strong-arm the supporters of any opponent into throwing their evil charms behind him. He also said he’d release all of the whores from their shackles and put them to work, secretly, to entrap the current hierarchy of power in Hell in uncompromising positions, such as being kind and benevolent to strangers.

Kennedy has his work cut out for him. Back in the 1950s, after Joseph Stalin died and moved here, Adolf Hitler recruited him in an attempt to overthrow Satan and form a Communist-Fascist dictatorship, but Satan fought back, having his best Gorgons unleash parasitic worms to infect the brains of both mass murderers. They’ve been hanging from either side of a Tree of Death ever since, forced to face and curse one another for all eternity.

But that was back when Hell was a bad place to be, and even those closest to Baal say he just isn’t the same cruel devil he used to be.

“I think it’s the age thing,” said one of Satan’s confidants, a three-armed, four-legged demon with 47 eyes and four humans pierced through his tongue. “He’s been waiting to take over the earth for so long, he appears to be going soft. Plus, with guys like Kim Jong-Il and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and U.S. President Barack Obama around, Hell is kinda starting to look like valuable real estate.”

Beelzebub himself seemed flattered by the challenge, according to his spokesman, Richard “Ahhh” Gibbs (twin brother of the chief flak for Obama).

“Satan was very pleased when he found out Senator Kennedy would be coming here,” Gibbs said. “That’s why he offered him a position of prestige among the grafters. The President himself enjoys a turn in boiling resign now and then, and was even gracious enough to give Lilith, one of his concubines, to the good Senator as a welcome gift.

“But really, we don’t think it’s anything to worry about. I’m sure Satan and the senator can work things out this weekend when they plan to have a picnic near the Circle of Cocytus (“wailing river”), in Lower Hell.

“In fact, Mr. Kennedy is so kind he’s even offered to drive.”

DEVELOPING….

Cross-posted at Feed Your ADHD.

Real Unemployment at 16%

According to Breitbart (that Simpson lad is smart) real unemployment is at 16%. Personally, I prefer the fantasy world that my advisers and I live in. In Obamaland, unemployment is at 4.5%, we are winning the war in Afghanistan, America has 3 strong healthy car companies and gas is under 2 bucks a gallon.

What do you mean that sounds like President Bush's tenure???

I’m a Democrat: You Owe Me

I’m a democrat. I have my own pile of money, but I want yours, too, including the four pennies you have rattling around in the bottom of that peanut butter jar you frugal idiots like to use as a change holder. Give it up! You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I just say I like the public school system. My kids go to private schools so that your kids can go to public schools and learn how to be good little democrats like me. When my kids grow up and become better members of a collectivist society, and your kids grow up confused, my kids will get government jobs and take more money and freedom from your kids. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I have a job with health insurance, but I think it’s everyone else’s fault when I get sick and have to cut back on my lifestyle so I can pay for health care that should be free, along with cars and houses and big screen TVs. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. There is no god. You can go ahead and get down on your knees and pray to the ceiling for forgiveness and strength and peace, but I’ll be standing right behind you with a tire iron, bashing your skull and stealing your wallet. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I hate people. I would rather sleep with my dog or a cucumber or a tree than with another person…unless I can just dump them on the curb after we’re through. You just have sex to make more people so you can continue to earn more money while you rape the planet. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I love taxes. It’s patriotic…for you…to pay them. I don’t pay any, anyway. And if I have to, I’ve figured out loop holes or have offshore accounts to shelter my money, so the government never really gets too much from me anyway. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. It’s not only my right but also my duty to take freedom and representative republicanism from you, little by little, and replace it with government bureaucracy. From each according to his ability, to each according to his need. I’m needy. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I have a $20 million vacation playground on Martha’s Vineyard and a guarded compound in South Chicago and belong to the richest majority in Washington’s history. But I hate rich people who aren't democrats and want your property too so I can save endangered swamp rats and build turtle tunnels and fix toilets. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. There are more of you than there are of me. You breathe too much. I’ve told the world outlandish lies that you’re causing global warming, using faulty correlations to get everyone so worried they’re about to let me tax thin air. And you’ll breathe a lot less. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I’m an elitist. I’m perfect. I’m not like all of you stupid wingnuts out there working your greedy little fingers to the bone trying to make a little money and feed your family and have something to call successful when you retire. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I live in the city so I can get stupid drunk and piss on the streets when I want and kick your parked car when it gets in my way. It’s too bad that you have all those guns in your humble suburban and country homes. If you didn’t, I’d come and toss you out on your naked ass and make you live in the fetid cities that my government policies screwed up. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I think you hate homosexuals. I have no idea that you just want to be left alone and live your life the way you see fit and not have your children taught with government money that they should seek alternative lifestyles for the fun of it. I just want you to do what I think you should do with your life. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I’m so tolerant I can’t tolerate anyone who doesn’t think the way I do. In fact, I hate white people. I hate all people. I hate myself. I hate myself so much that I hate you even more when you are happy. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I don’t know how to do anything for myself. I need to be told what to do. I don’t think human beings are capable of taking care of themselves. That’s what government is for. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I don’t think any people should have rights. I think fish and frogs and grass should, however, and I want to represent them in court…and you to pay for it. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I’m a child. I act like a child and I think like a child and I live like a child and I throw up my hands and have little fits when I don’t get my way. There should be no consequences for anything I do. But there should be consequences for you, even if you’re blameless in what I accuse you of. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I’m racist but I get others to think that you are racist just because I call you one. It’s a riot to watch you squirm because I know you have a conscience. I do not. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I was born poor or middle class or rich, but it doesn’t matter. I was born black or white or Asian or Latina, but it still doesn’t matter. In fact, it’s Bush’s fault that I was even allowed to be born at all. You owe me.

I’m a democrat. I want health care at your expense, while I’m young and virulent and child-like. But then I want you to kill me when I start to get old and weak and feeble, so that all of my young and virulent and child-like democrat friends can have health care at your expense.

Then I want to come back to life as a rock, so lots of birds can shit on me. They owe me, too, for being a loony moonbat.

Previously published at Feed Your ADHD.

Who is this Barry O fellow?

by President Barry O

First I'd like to talk about my tweeters. People admire them. In fact, I've caught people staring. My tweeters are magnificent! All 12,000 of them. They have recently propelled me into the tcot top 100. This is the list for conservative twitter users.

Then there's my blog. It also has thousands of readers, who are equally magnificent. It's a place where you can learn about your president on a daily basis. I'm sure you'll read the blog and learn to love me almost as much as I love myself...

That's all good, but who am I? I've been called many things. Newsweek even posits that I am a secular Messiah. That made me feel all warm on the inside. What else have I been called?

A resident alien. I don't remember living on another planet. Rahm assures me that this is just not true.

The Anti-Christ. Really people, do really think the Anti-Christ could mess things up this badly in this short of time?

A Douchbag. I hear this allot so, I recently looked it up. Please stop calling me that.

A tax and spend liberal. This really doesn't begin to cover my spending habits. I think it should be Spend and spend and tax liberal.

Rahm's Emmanual's bitch. Guilty!

Retarded. That's not really fair to retarded people. Many overcome their disabilities to have productive lives. No chance of that for me.

http://presidentbarryo.blogspot.com

APO Welcome President Barry O

APO would like to welcome it's first Political Satirist, President Barry O. Many of you have already experienced Barry through the popular blog The audacity of Barry O. Barry is ranked as the 103rd most influential twitter user on the TCOT list. APO is happy to add his "insight" to political matters.